Maniwaki Ticker Aug 30th..

Ok each of these snippets deserves their own article but since there's too much going on I'm condensing it all into the ticker....

Ready? The shit starts scrolling now:

....Good For Baseball....My younger brother, who will be referred to only as "Brother Carn," returned from Montreal a few days ago from visiting our other brother, the Skip. Yesterday afternoon, he produced from his still unpacked suitcase a care package for myself put together by said Skipper. Items including a brand spanking new 7 1/4 Expos pro fit, a Tremblay beer toque (the only beer to drink when watching la ball in la belle province), and the closest physical representation of the conch if such a thing can exist. Namely, the Curt Schilling action figure that I purchased in Montreal the day after his Herculean '04 Bloody Sock performance in the ALCS. Leaving Curt as a ward of the Skip after the historic series, the Schill-likeness did his part when called upon. (Most notably during the Canucks playoff campaign in which I asked the Skip to throw together some ju-ju against the Ducks. He responded by calling on Curt, planting him on the TV and low and behold not 15 seconds later Hank Sedin scored.) After finishing his tour out East, Brother Carn was instructed to utter these words when I discovered the Curt replica in my care package in which Brother Carn obliged stating: "It's time...."

....Pratt and Taylor shoot the shit on Sportsnet re: The Canucks' new unis....More on this after I stop swimming laps in the puke that has filled my apartment...

...44 and still more devastating than a Slayer concert during the Raining Blood Tour...Randy "The Natural" Couture cleans house in UFC 74 -"Respect". The event aptly deemed as the reigning heavyweight champ not only shook off a BRUTAL roundkick from Gabriel Gonzaga (a guy who looks like he could kick the shit out of Zangief from Street Fighter II) but went on win by a TKO pummelling...What...??...not to mention Canucks George St. Pierre and Patrick Côté both winning their bouts hopefully making UFC 97.5 "Drop The Gloves" at the Credit Union Center in Saskatoon all the more likely to occur....

...Would the real Jays please stand up?....Look I've dedicated enough space bemoaning the lads as of late. At this point all I'm going to say is this...If you're going to win, win. Go 22-7 and make a solid drive. Be like the Spartan crew in "300" and make a solid push. If not just shit your Skydome and win 5 out of the next 29 because this .500 nonsense has got to go...

....Puke starting to subside from Maniwaki HQ...comment imminent on Canuck's new unis....

....Time to get serious. A minimum of 12 to 15 months in the clink for Michael Vick?!!!!...Look what he did was light years beyond reprehensible. I have a dog of my own who I love to death, who has become an instant part of the fam, who I couldn't imagine throwing into some vile Thunderdome Style ring (unless he was trained by Randy "The Natural" Couture) and who throws salmon kibble at the TV everytime Vick turns up on Sportscenter or CNN. But from the prosecutors' own mouths:

"A first-time offender might well receive no jail time for this offense," Rosenberg [the prosecutor] said. "We thought, however, that the conduct in this conspiracy was heinous, cruel and inhumane."

.....Let's just hold on for a second whilst I put on my Matthew McConaughey southern lawyer whites in "A Time To Kill"....If this were Tom Brady or Peyton Manning that got pinched for dogfighting would a minimum 12 -15 month sentence be batted around..??...Please...a few PETA public service announcements, and a community service stint at the SPCA and Tom and Peyton are back in the huddle at training camp... I'm getting on the horn to the Reverand Al Sharpton...






"Don't fuck around Vick!! I'm the King Of The Octagon!!!"














....Vancouver Expos Season opener April 2017...being a staunch baseball fan I have always sadly maintained that Van will never see a MLB squad...until tonight...a stunning summer night in the city as pennant and WC chases permeate throughout the League...speaking with a female coworker as she sat across the bar that I man she stated, "I like hockey and soccer but not baseball...unless I'm watching it live."....and the more I think about it, I hear that statement from a staggering amount of people....the single A Canadians always draw well, and if we built it they would come...of course a few prerequisites would have to be met, but nothing out of the realm of possibility....Like... the 2010 Olympics shedding a favourable light on our town...The Jays winning another World Series...the amount of quality Canadians increase drastically in the League, which is happening as we speak...just ask Eric Bedard, Justin Morneau, Jason Bay and the thousands of kids in this province alone that are paying close attention to these cats rip it up...a solid tapping of the enormous keg that is Asia finding the next Ichiros, and Matsuis and bringing them here....and most importantly, the end of the reign of Darth Selig in favour of a fair commish...like I said...not out of the realm of possiblity...

...The final flecks of bile have seeped into the floorboards....Time to weigh in on the new jerseys...

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....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????


JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!!





....Look at how sad Trev looks. Like he's been forced to wear the shitty brown corduroys that his mom bought for his first day of school. Is this how we treat the heart and soul of our squad??!! Well is it!!?? Was this part of his recent contract negotiations...? "Look Trev, we'll give you 600 grand, plus incentives, but we get to trot you in front of 8000 fans at GM Place, not to mention the entire lower mainland wearing this fucking travesty".... God I almost wish he didn't resign with us just so he could retire with some dignity.... This "jersey" is the most horrifically gaudy garment to ever grace the ice.... So bad that if makes the latest revamped cartoon Jay threads look like fucking Armani...Look...if you want classic, stick with classic...if you want new stick with new...BUT DON'T COMBINE A CONTEMPORARY LOGO WITH CLASSIC LETTERING. PLACED IN A RAINBOW NO LESS!!!!!....It's like something those godawful geo cities champions came up with in '96 for their personal vacation picture page in which they used 4000 different fonts in 4000 different font sizes amidst a backdrop of annoying twinkling stars...It's like something Napoleon Dynamite would come up with...This new jersey is the fucking Ligre of the League...

...This is our '08/'09 game plan?...Keeping the opposing team drastically off balance by my making them laugh so hard we can walk around their defence and score?...This is our Stanley Cup Winning Scheme?.... Godawful fashion sense?....Shouldn't the guy that came up with this fiasco get slapped with the minimum 12-15.....?

Highlight Reel Hardcore

Here we are up 4-1 through 7 and a half against the Angels, and I can't help from thinking that if we toast them at home, and Seattle continues to go on a tear, that the two squads will meet in October at Safeco. In which I will shit my stirrups and attempt to book a direct flight from the deck of my apartment non-stop to the ball park. In order for this to happen, the lads really have to dig deep and play dirty. And play with heart.

Like my new favourite hardcore unit, who's vid is posted below and who Epitaph head honcho Brett Gurewitz remarked on, stating:

"Punk rock is back and its new name is Gallows" before proceeding to sign them. Here's to October. Enjoy.

15-4

You know what makes me happy? Looking at the Wild Card standings the day after a really rocky one to find that we're only six games out of the last musical chair. And it's only August 8th, and we layed a 15-4 smack down on those God. Damned. Yanks.

To quote the struggling, but resident class act outfielder Vernon Wells:

"It's the right way to react to what happened. Anytime you can do that after a loss like [yesterday] is huge. That's what you have to do in a situation like this when you're playing one of your rivals and you need a big win."

Sure do. And the WC is not out of the question. Yes, we have to leapfrog four teams, but hear me now. The team to beat is Minny. And we have no stake in our future in this matter. We still have a set against Seattle and two more against the Bronxians, but none against Detroit and none against Minny. The Tigers I'm not worried about. They are the Britney Spears of the AL this year. Hellbent on crashing and burning despite they're A-list access pass. But the Twins are in the division to beat and have a history of turning it on late. If T.O. and Minnesota are withing a game of each other on the final weekend I will NOT be surprised.

You know what makes me not happy? The Yanks bitching it up and sitting A-Rod today because of his bruised calf. Not the official reason given, (the artificial Skydome turf being cited), but without a question LAME. Trying to draw the proverbial yellow card from the League, the day after just stinks. What is this? The Eurocup? Is A-Rod related to Christiano Ronaldo? Are they perhaps the same person? Or were they cloned from the same factory that churns out these sports characters that were genetically designed to draw my ire?

Well were they?

An Historic Night...

So apparently there's a new all time home run king.

But before we get to that, let's weigh in on the real story of the day: namely the Jays finally getting down to business and plunking A-Rod.

Three words. About fucking time. I was surprised that the lads waited until Game 2 of this, the second series since the incident, to hurl the beaner at the 252 million dollar man, but I guess they wanted to keep the Yanks guessing. Not that it helped today or anything, the final result ending in a 9-2 drubbing in favour of the pin stripes. No matter. The point is that the 2 million dollar man, Josh "5-9" Towers finally did something worthwhile this season by throwing the retaliation pitch for the bogus May 30th, "Mine!" call made by A-Rod.

Resulting in the benches clearing twice with unfortunately n'ary a punch being thrown. Kudos to New Brunswick native, 39 year old Matt Stairs for repping Canada, coming off the bench to presumably bring some old time hockey to the game of baseball. Too bad Coaches Corner isn't being broadcast yet as I'd love to hear old Grapes sound off on this.

Of course Clemens retaliated for the Yanks in the seventh, by beaning Alex Rios square in the back. Rios, obviously perturbed, had some choice words for The Rocket, shook it off and then took his base. I was hoping the spirit of George Bell would have taken over, possessing Rios to charge the plate and drop kick the 44 year old Clemens. Who in turn would've channeled the vigour of fellow aged Texan pitching icon, Nolan Ryan, (who while in his 40's threw down with 26 year old Robin Ventura. And pummeled him).

But it was not to be as the aftermath was ejections for a fuming Clemens alongside manager Joe Torre. One has to wonder how A-Rod always finds himself in these shenanigans. If he's not slapping the ball out of Millar's glove, he's getting clocked by Jason Varitek, or more recently he's playing bush league ball by yelling sandlot jibes at Jay's players trying to make routine plays.

I really wish Stairs would have broken through the Bronx barricade that stood between him and A-Rod and given him the Tiger Williams special, but in this case I'll have to settle for a straight up plunking.



Now that's old time hockey!!!"







Now. Onto the record. Without going to overboard, providing endless punditary commentary, I will provide a summation in point form of my take on the scenario.

1. Do I think Barry Bonds took steroids? Absoloutely. As I was enlightened into the inner workings of Balco, by Kaila, a busser at my work, who is going to lend me "Game Of Shadows", a book about the scandal. She resides in Boston, is a soft ball pitcher and is a huge Red Sox fan. According to precedent she most definitely is good for baseball and from here on will be referred to as the Busser from Boston.

2. Do I think that it's hard as Hades to hit a home run, never mind 756 of them, even if you are juiced. Absolutely. You still have to have the patience of that dude in "The Yattering And Jack" and the eye/hand of a 14 year old South Korean Mortal Kombat Champ.

3. Do I think it's cheating and that there should be an asterisk next to Bond's name in the record books. Yes and no. Steroids are bad kids. Plain and simple. Plus they give you shrinkage. What's the point of being a home run hitter if you can't bang at best Kris Benson's crazy wife, (or a reasonable facsimilie of), or at worst Susan Sarandon after the game? As far as the asterisk is concerned, there already is one that will ALWAYS be associated with this record, printed or not. The point, or asterisk, is moo-ooo-ooot.

4. Do I think Bonds is a jerk? Arrogant for sure, and while I don't neccessarily like him, (especially his trademark in flight jack admiration), I do get a kick out of his post game locker room interview tirades. Come on...like you wouldn't get pissed if you were asked EVERY DAY if you smoked a little gange back when you were chilliing at the Phi Kapppa Delta pad in college. And there were a shit load of cameras in your face and the same weasley SF Chronicle newsboy was giving you the same gears about the same shit, day in day out. You know you'd want to crack him...

5. Am I sad that Hank Aaron was dethroned as The All Time Home Run King. You bet. Now here's a true hero. Here's a class act ball player that not only shattered The Beloved Babe's all time record, but did it despite daily racially charged DEATH THREATS to himself and his family. Here's a guy that accomplished such an historic, epic feat amidst such vehement contempt that it makes walking to the moon seem easier. Hey Hank. I'm sorry someone has uprooted your flag and replaced it with a bigger one paid for by Balco. You're still tops in my book, punctuated by the video tribute of you graciously passing the HR torch to Bonds that played on the screen at tonight's game.

6. Do I think Bud Selig is the most evil man in the world? Let's just say that I would not allow my puppy within 400 feet of him for fear of Bud kicking him or hiring someone to klck him. If I didn't loathe Selig anymore, or think it possible, he douses the bonfire with Supreme Unleaded by trying to distance himself from Bonds over the last few weeks and months, stating that he'll only go the Giants games and follow the chase because his wife was nagging him to get out of the house.

Huh? Isn't this the same guy that was applauding late '90's juiceters Big Mac and Bonds whilst their daily dazzling dong fests drew in droves of specators? Isn't this the same guy that turned a blind $$eye$$ and refused to come up with a semi compitent steroid policy for the league until he was ordered by Congress itself to do so? Never mind Bush, he's out soon anyways, isn't it about time we impeached The Commish?

7. Do I think that A-Rod will eventually break Bond's record? You bet. But I hope that Josh Towers' nephew is on the mound to plunk him when he does...