Master Chief To Blame For Yanks' April Woes

Is anyone else laughing as hard as I am that the Yankees are the second worst team in the AL? Because let me tell you, April or no April my head is severed and rolling around on the field turf like a bunted ball about to cross the foul line. Yanks kicking back with the Royals in the AL basement? Damn, they must have an XBox 360 down there and an advanced copy of Halo 3.











"zzzzt...Master Chief to Base Command... A-Rod has just struck out... I repeat...A-Rod has just struck out...Visual Confirmation...The chasm is opening... I repeat... The chasm is opening...zzzzzt"

Cruise Control

Yeah, yeah, yeah...we won the series. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it was tough to watch. (Although I knew that we drag it out to Game 7 and win.) And yeah, yeah, yeah, the Ducks shellacked us in Game 1...and oh yeah everyone's talking about the Twin Towers, Niedermayer and Pronger and how rough and tough the Ducks are. But let me slap on a fresh jersey, tie a crisp Canucks flag around my neck caped crusader style and reiterate the sentiment that Mad Magazine Head Honcho and Mascot, Alfred E. Neuman has been spouting for 52 years:

"What, me worry?"

Yes, The Ducks are a physical team, yes, they beat us during the regular season, yes, they have mighty Teemu Selanne of Helsinki, yes they've had rest, and yes, we haven't.

But here's the kicker. The Canucks are smarter, more adaptable and have a stronger coach in Alain Vigneault. He is going to come up with a plan to counter act the traffic in front of Luongo. He will incite the offence. He will challenge the veterans to step it up, namely one who I am convinced will break out very, very soon.

If I may quote a passage from Markus 3:18:

"...and in the second game, of the second series, he awoke."

So don't worry. Sit back, crack a bag of chips if you want, and let the Coaching staff and Captain steer the ship for a while....




"Don't sweat it muthafucka..."

The Cup In One

That's the kind of game you need to win. Once it gets to the fifth period, an overtime goal transcends a typical overtime win. It becomes something bigger. It becomes a statement. It says, "we can outlast you tonight."

When the game hits the seventh it becomes even bigger. It becomes a proclamation. When the period count rivals the number of innings in a baseball game, you actually get on the bullpen phone to the Seattle Mariners to see if closer, JJ Putz, is available. And can be warmed up in time for the ninth?

When playing this deep into a single contest, a win is imperative, because you're essentially playing the series in one game.

Thanks Hank.

Playoff Proclamations

Walking to Karaoke tonight with an entourage consisting of friends, as well as my visiting family from Saskatchewan, I had a conversation with one of our party in which she announced that a co-worker of hers had made an ignorant proclamation regarding office procedure. My compadre, reveling in the fact that she had just used the term "proclamation" (completely in earnest and devoid of any obligatory accompanying town crier jests from our group), continued along as we all made our way down the street towards an action packed night of Karaoke wailings.


In keeping with this spirit, I will now not make any playoff predictions from here on. Instead, they will be playoff proclamations.

So confident I am that the Canucks will win the Stanley Cup, I have already gone through the entire exercise in my head. I have felt the elation of amazing saves, the gut wrenching torment of game 7's, the lows of poor penalties resulting in opposing team goals, the referees' blown calls and the euphoria of slap shots and tips that have found the net.

Not to mention the parade down Robson St.

And the satisfaction of seeing Trevor Lindon and the lads hoist one for themselves. As well as for everyone in the city who has waited so long to boast to the world, our magnificent Stanley Park complete with accompanying Cup.

So confident I am that when I see the following happen, it will already be old news. Namely:

1. The anticipated and delivered playoff performance of Roberto Luongo. This cat is so sharp and ready he could be the first goalie to kill a 5 on none penalty. And actually manage to score a short handed goal while doing so.

2. The knife twisting first round. This is where we win the whole thing. Bettman might as well hand over the mug after this series, because after the excruciating Game 7 we'll have to endure it will be cruise control for the Canucks until the end.

3. The good thing about the tough first round is that it will be like a shot of the highest grade heroin into Luongo's system. The emotional win (possibly in OT) will catapult him and the squad to a laughable 2nd and 3rd round. One will be a sweep and the other will be a 5 game yawner.

4. Markus Naslund telling everyone to shut the fuck up. I don't care how many non-Canadian captains have won the cup, watch Mark earn his "C" for all time with a absolutely stunning playoff performance. Goals, goals, and more goals. A scrap isn't out of the question.

5. The Canucks finally turning into the Oil. Not only do we have great synergy right now as a team, we will do the dirty work as well. Fight hard for that puck in the corner, block that shot that could make you look like you went a round against Chuck Lidell. Right now the entire squad is reading the hockey manual "How To Play The Ryan Smith Way", by Ryan Smith.

Speaking of which, watch the Isles poke check their way through East to the Conference final.


Now to gear up for the dynasty....

Heavens Part For Dice K

That's right. Cold weather in Detroit has postponed the scheduled match vs T.O. allowing Sportsnet to carry the KC/Boston tilt and more importantly, the much anticipated debut of Japanese pitching phenom, Daisuke Matsuzaka. I drafted Dice K very high in my fantasy league, so as a GM I can't help but think that this is a sign from the Baseball Gods themselves. Have they literally parted the heavens sending one of their very own to walk among mere mortals? Will Matsuzaka transform from ethereal Japanese deity to flesh and blood, mowing down legions of AL batters with his mystical gyro ball?

The pundits think that he is over-hyped and that Boston got taken on the $51,111,111.11 or 6 billion yen right to bid for him from the Japanese League's Seibu Lions. Not to mention the accompanying $52 million contract that the Sox have to pay him. But I suspect that these Western nay sayers are secretly afraid of him. Afraid that the World Baseball Classic MVP will be as unstoppable and inevitable as a tsunami, punishing the American League landscape for years to come.

What price can you put on a force of nature?










"Hello America! I will rule your puny league very soon!"

Maniwaki Guide To The '07 MLB Season

Every year The Skip and/or I predict the way that the rooster's entrails will fall upon the impending MLB season, ranking each team's end position in each division. This process can be quite lengthy, (the '04 MLB Manual, meticulously broken down, debated heavily and actually bound in soft cover), or rather rushed (the complete '06 preview being churned out, fueled by nothing more than coffee and a sketchy hangover courtesy of the previous night's R&B Ale).

After admittedly being quite captivated by the Canucks inevitable march to sipping champagne out of Lord Stanley's mug, I have allowed Opening Day to creep up on me with nary a call to be made. The running "Countdown to Opening Day" ticker at MLB.com reads 3 hrs, 31 minutes until the Cards and Mets square off, so I best get crackin'. In a race to beat the first fastball of the season, I give you my first MLB Preview ever to be published direct to the web. Namely:

The '07 MLB Preview - The Accelerated Version.

In keeping with tradition we will start with:

The NL Least

1. Philly von Phuck Phuck. Jimmy Rollins you are correct. You are the team to beat in this Div. Expect Ryan Howard to have another gargantuan year, thus leading you back to the days when the super mulletted squad of '93 graced the October playing field. John Kruk's and Mitch Williams' locks draped across their shoulder's not unlike October bunting.

2. Shea Stadium Shets. Expect a solid chase from David Wright and the lads. This is going to be a straight up brawl right up until the final weekend of the season. Pedro, please return sooner rather than later, and entertain us with the brush back fastball, old man throwing, midget accompanying antics of years past. Please be the first pitcher in the bigs to start a game wearing a forearm cast and big red clown nose.

3. That state that always causes so much fucking trouble. The Marlins will also be in the NL East brouhaha as things get Uggla(sorry...predictable yet I couldn't help myself.) Solid year from Dontrelle. Possible Cy Young candidate.

4. Atlanta. Sorry Bobby Cox...Korn's guitar player has quit and turned to Jesus thus signifying that the '90's, as well as your squad's heyday, are long over.

5. Fuck You Bud Selig. Until MLB puts another squad back in Montreal, the-team-that-will-remain-nameless will be the perrenial stewards of the NL East catacombs. Addendum. Can't this year be the year that ex-Expos owner and current Marlins owner, Jefferey Loria, finally gets pinched for cheating on his taxes or exposing himself to strangers or cheating on his taxes whilst exposing himself to strangers?


MLB Doomsday Clock reads 2 Hrs 54 Min until Carpenter takes the hill. On pace. Swell. Let's continue.


NL Center Ice.

1. "We're The Brews"....sporting Anti-Pujols tatoos. A play on NOFX lyrics...I have been hearing alot of buzz about this squad. Can the Son Of Cecil, Prince Fielder, lead this squad to its' first playoff berth since the times when I was still playing with Matchbox cars? Something tells me that the hype is real. Holy Rollie Fingers moustache!!!

2. Card Carrying Contenders. Pujols and the rest of the '06 World Series Champs will not make this a light jog around the bases for the Brewers. Tony Larussa's DUI be damned, this is one of the most successful clubs in the entire league. They will be duking it out UFC style in the Octagon for a chance to make it back to October.

3. Better Red Than Dead. Will Griffey Jr. make it to May without landing on the DL? Will Bronson Arroyo change things up and switch from blonde corn rows to a crimson mohawk? Will this team finish higher than third? Make it a solid no to all.

4. Houston...We still have a problem. I know, I know, same tired, cliched Houston quip, but I'm on a deadline dammit. Will the Rocket return to help the team blast off? (...uggh...I know...), will the Killer B's get their sting back? (...ok enough already), will Brandon ever help his team to make it Backe to the post season? (ok...I'm serious, last one), can I possibly echo anymore lame, overused Astros' article headlines?

5. The Pitts of Hell. Jason Bay. Another career year. Pittsburgh Pirates. Another year of '93 aspirations. But unlike the Phills, the Bucs will still be relagated, yet again, to the lower half of the division. I bet they wish they could commandeer old manager Jim Leyland, now in Detroit, to captain their ship whilst he puffs on Marly's in the dug out.

6. The Lovable Losers. I really like this team. How can you not cheer for a squad that nailed down not only Alfonso Soriano in the offseason, but the ever volatile skip, Lou Pinella? You just have to. On paper they look like they have a chance at the division. In reality...Bartman.


Clock Check. 2 hrs. 2min. Time to hit the gas.

NL Oeste

1. First Place Friars. Old War Vets Greg Maddux, David Wells and Trevor Hoffman will lead the Padres back to their place atop the League's Lamest Division.

2. L(ost) A(nother) Division Crown. The pundits are calling for the Dodgers to place first. I'm saying nay. I'm saying that while a rotation that boasts Lowe, Schmidt and Penny looks like a lock in this clunker of a division, it won't be enough to beat the aformentioned San Diego pantheon. Also...can Nomar last the entire season without a DL stint? Once again...a resounding NAY.

3. Barry Bonds Used Steroids. And will most likely suffer some bizzarre injury inflicted by the baseball gods. He will turn the card that reads: go to the Disabled List, go directly to the Disabled List. Do not pass Hank Aaron. Do not collect the All Time Home Run Record. Rest of Giants remain in dugout.

4. Can you smell what the Rockies aren't cooking? A division title. To quote their websites front page, "Many obeservers feel the 2007 Rockies could be the best team yet during manager Clint Hurdle's tenure." By doing what? Attaining a career high .481 winning percentage this year?

5. A.D.D. The pundits are also calling for the Diamondbacks to contend for the NL West. With what? A guy named J.D. Durbin on their squad? Didn't I play against him in Bantams in rural Sask? Didn't he sport the same bad moustache but sans goatee? Why am I dedicating any more precious time/commentary to this team?


Especially when it's time to keep geographical location but flip Leagues thus weighing in on:


The AL W(axman)

Even the King Of Kensington himself would be jealous of the champs in this always tight bracket. Namely:

1. California Angels. Do us a favour and go back to this moniker. It's just easier and less ridiculous. And while your at it send Vladimir Guerrero and Orlando Cabrera back Canada where they can play with the Jays until Bud Selig croaks, and Montreal gets another squad. That would be much better. Thanks.

2. Athletics Of Oakland of the Bay Area of California. See how inane that sounds? Why would the Angels put us through these naming shenanigans every few years. At least with Oakland you can be sure of two things. They will wear green and they will always contend. But if I have to hear another "MoneyBall...Billy Beane is Jesus Of Nazereth", platitude again I'm going to hurl harder than Rich Harden. Just take your second place and shut up already...

3. Don't mess with Texas. In a world of Johan Santanna and Roy Halladay, if your Ace is Kevin Millwood you're not going far. I don't care if you've got the bats of Michael Young, Frank Catalonotto, Mark Teixeira, Brad Wilkerson, and even Sammy Freakin' Sosa???!!! (...hey they're actually looking not to bad. If I am wrong on any prediction this year...this will be the one...maybe the Rangers can blast their way to the top...)

4. It's raining and I'm sad. So you should be...because although you've got a really nice stadium in Seattle, and boast the likes of Ichiro,closer JJ Putz, and pitching phenom Felix Hernandez, you're still going to be at the bottom of your divvy. Blame it on the newly acquired Miguel Batista, who peaked with the Diamond Backs during their World Series caper, but went on to shit the SkyDome during his days as Toronto's "closer". Christ, I remember feeling ill everytime he took to the mound in the ninth and we were up by a couple of runs. A closer should not make your stomach churn thus making you taste the Subway BMT you had for lunch 3 hours prior when he's on the hill.


Clock check. My word. 48 min to go. And still two divisions. The ender, ender being the Annakin/Obi Wan lightsaber duel. This means I'm going to have to blast through the Central in order to give the East it's proper due.

The Toughest Division In Baseball.

There I said it. Happy? The worthiness of the Central has been in contention between The Skip and myself for years now. Read my column "The Conch" for more info. No time to JJ Putz around here. Picks dammit.

1. Ozfest. Chi-town will return to glory this year. Thome will have another corker whilst the rotation will be one of the best in the bigs. "The Big Guy", closer Bobby Jenks will be one of the dominant closers of the year. And we haven't even begun to talk about the likes of Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko. Of course they win.
2. Minny. Two words. Johan Santanna. Two more words. Justin Morneau. And two more. Just about.
3. Cleveland Rocks. Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner will be the baddest tag team since the Legion Of Doom. Let's hope they paint their faces accordingly.
4. Detroit Ligers. To quote Chuck D, "Hang The Critics.." and that's what I'm doing. This year's Tigers will not return to World Series form like every writer on the planet is announcing. If you give up that many easy ground balls in The Series, you automatically are exempt from any playoff contention for the next five years.
5. KC. Like this is a shocker.

....and time check..29 min 40 sconds until opening pitch. yikes...that's about 10 minutes a squad...still not bad seeing how I knocked off the Central is as much time.

The Big One. In reverse order.

5. The What The Fuck Happened Here? Am I actually predicting the Jays to finish last in the AL East??!!!! See my previous article for more deets, but unfortunately this is case for the Blue Birds of '07. They look great on paper. They look like contenders. I sense nothing but doom. Chacin's recent DUI pick up confirmed my suspicions. I sense a plague of Biblical proportion to hit the Skydome this season. Injuries, infighting, inability to hit the ball. I sense bad things for Doc, possibly another bizarre injury, as well as utter doom for the back end of the rotation. The Frank Thomas experiment will have him manning the DL for the better part of the season. The lone stand out this year will be AJ Burnett who will be absolutely stunning.

4. More dead birds. Until Cal is in the dugout the Orioles will perennially defend fourth place.

3. Tampa Bay. A breakout year. Their web front page announces:

"(Skipper) Maddon stresses importance of team unity."

Which will take them to their highest ever finish. They will steal the Marlins' thunder by being the write off team from Florida that over achieves this year.

2. A Real Bronx Cheer. Of course. Insert A-Rod joke here. Insert Mariano Rivera gunning everyone down. Insert Jeter repeating as an AL MVP candidate. But not the real story.

1. Let's go back to '04. Not only will the RedSox win the division, they will also take the World Series. Japanese import Daisuke Matsazaka will live up to his hefty price tag and make AL batters look like they are mildly retarded. Closer Jonathan Papelbon will be alongside Bobby Jenks as one of the top gun closers of the League. Manny will be Manny and Papi will have another Green Monster of a season.

Ok done. And not an inning to spare. The ESPN opening montage is playing right now complete with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller narration rife with phrases such as "spring opitmism" leading to "October dreams". Interspliced with shots of cheering kids in red Cardinal hats waving pennants, cut to Pujols warming up.

And here's Carpenter's first offering of the '07 season, low and inside to the CBS Sportsline #2 ranked fantasy player, Met's Short Stop, Jose Reyes. See you in October....